The Cat Dish

Tag Archives: relationship

Can men and women be ‘just friends’?

by Catherine Toth on April 8, 2012 in Musings, The Daily Dish

Growing up, I didn’t see how guys and girls couldn’t be friends.

And I think I was partially right.

At the time, sure, guys and girls could hang out on the basketball court, play Trumps and just exist as friends.

But once those “guys” became “men” and those “girls” turned into “women,” things changed.

The question — ”Can men and women be just friends?” — has long been debated and played out in sitcoms and movies such as “When Harry Met Sally.” In fact, it was in that movie that Harry, played by Billy Crystal, famously says it’s impossible “because the sex part always gets in the way.”

“How do you know?” asks Sally, played by Meg Ryan.

“Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.”

And that conversation pretty much summed it up for a lot of us.

The topic was resurrected in Sunday’s New York Times. Essayist William Deresiewicz said that platonic relationships with the opposite actually aren’t rare at all. “But [sex] doesn’t always get in the way. Maybe you’re not attracted to each other. Maybe you know it would never work out, so it’s not worth screwing up your friendship. Maybe that’s just not what it’s about.”

So what do you think? Can men and women be “just friends”? Or do you think it’s never that simple?

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Couples can’t share everything — can they?

by Catherine Toth on January 30, 2012 in Musings, The Daily Dish

Secrets.

We all have them.

But when do you have to share them with your partner — and when can you keep them to yourself?

It’s a tough question.

People keep secrets for different reasons. Sometimes it’s to save face — you don’t need to share embarrassing moment from childhood with your mate. But sometimes couple don’t dish when they should.

But how can you tell?

For example, I tell my boyfriend everything — and probably to a fault. He hates that I tell him about my past relationships; these are clearly topics he’d rather I keep to myself. But on the other hand, I want to know more about his exes — but he doesn’t want to share. I view that as being secretive; he sees it as being courteous.

I was watching a segment on NBC’s “Today” about couples keeping secrets. The discussion was about sharing confidential information such as bank account numbers and passwords.

Then I read a story in Redbook about the same topic. It said even the healthiest couples hide things from each other.

To most of us, the secret to end all secrets (and many marriages) is an affair—and no one will quibble with the devastating consequences of infidelity. Yet even “small” deceptions can rock a relationship, and it can be hard to draw the line between what’s harmless and what’s not.

So what should you share? Embarrassing stories? Medical history? Salaries? Past relationships? Actual weight? Passwords?

What do you think?

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Relationship status: ‘It’s complicated’

by Catherine Toth on October 10, 2011 in Musings, The Daily Dish

The first thing on my girlfriend’s list of things to do once she got married?

Change her Facebook status.

And I don’t mean after her honeymoon. She updated her status as soon as she left the altar. She was still in her wedding dress.

It’s interesting how often — and how much — we broadcast our personal lives across the very public networks of social media.

As soon as people get engaged or break up or get married — or now, get divorced — they change their relationship status on Facebook as a way to tell the world, “Hey! Look! See what just happened!”

I get that you want to publish accurate and up-to-date information online. I’m a journalist, I can respect that. And I even get the need to broadcast to people in your network that you’re engaged or married.

But break-ups? In Facebook? On Twitter? That just seems, well, tacky.

I witnessed the awkward break-up of a couple on Twitter once. It started by one person “unfollowing” the other. And all hell broke loose.

And I’ve heard from friend who say their new significant others urged — if not outright pestered and pressured — them to change their Facebook status immediately. If not, that meant they were hiding the relationship, they didn’t really love them, they weren’t committed — and that led to an entire night of useless arguing.

There are more than 800 million active Facebook users, most of whom indicate some kind of relationship status, which can now range from single to in a domestic partnership.

And there’s even an app — the Facebook Breakup Notifier, which was released in February — that helps people keep taps on potential partners. You can choose the friends whose relationship status you’d like to track. (Like old boyfriends, recent flings, that crush you had in high school.) And when his relationship status changes to “single,” you pounce.

“You like someone. They’re in a relationship. Be the first to know when they’re out of it,” promises the app’s website.

It’s a weird world we live in. Can anyone explain it to me?

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Advice for surviving a long-distance relationship

by Catherine Toth on August 23, 2011 in Musings, The Daily Dish

I had been dreading this decision since April.

And I wasn’t even the one making it!

My boyfriend, Derek, got accepted into the Ph.D. program in history at the University of Wisconsin in Madison. (He’s working on his Ph.D. here, but this program has a stronger focus on U.S. history, which is his concentration.) But for the past few months, he’s been trying to figure out what he’s going to do. Stay and finish his degree here — or go to Madison and get a better education and perhaps increase his chances of getting a job later.

One option has better prospects. The other, well, has better surf.

So last week he officially announced — at least to me and the dogs — that he’s going to Wisconsin.

This leaves me in a weird situation: being 36, engaged and suddenly living alone with two dogs and rent I can barely afford.

I’ve done long-distance relationships before, but those were years ago and, I’ll be honest, those relationships weren’t that serious. But this is different. Now I’m older, serious about this guy and very comfortable living with him. We carpool to work and school, cook dinner together, walk the dogs every morning and evening, surf together, shop together, travel together. Suddenly, he’s going to be gone and I’m not sure what I’m going to do.

I know I’ll revert back to my single ways, where I holed up on Friday nights with Netflix and my dogs. But that was by choice; this time around, it isn’t.

We figure we’ll Skype daily and text even more frequently. I’ll fly up to visit him sometime this semester — imagine the food photos! — and he’ll be back in Hawaii during the winter break.

I’m sure the next two or three years will fly by. Still, any advice for me on surviving the 4,700-mile distance?

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ASK DR. DISH: Royal advice

by Catherine Toth on April 5, 2011 in Musings, The Daily Dish

Question: I am totally obsessed with the Royal Wedding!!! I am so glad you asked yesterday (in Monday’s blog)!!! I have a question for everyone else who is just as obsessed as me — or not: What is your marriage advice for Prince William and Kate Middleton? I say sign don’t sign the prenup!!!

Answer: Thanks for the question! I love your enthusiasm!

I don’t think Kate will have much of a choice about signing the prenup before the April 29 nuptials. Britain’s royal family doesn’t have the best marriage record; three of Queen Elizabeth II’s four children have been divorced.

But that’s not really the point of today’s blog!

It’s hard for me to dispense marriage advice since I’ve never been married. And I hate to sound cliche — communicate, be honest and open, schedule date nights — but I don’t know anything else.

For me, being in a relationship takes work. I mean, a lot of it should come easily. You should want to spend time together, you should truly enjoy the other person’s company, and it shouldn’t be a burden to help each other. But everything else — carving out quality time, being patient, learning that what’s important to him is important even if it’s not important to you — takes effort. But if you love each other, you’ll want to do it — it’s not a problem.

Anyone got some advice for the royal couple? Hey, they might be Dr. Dish fans! You never know!

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Here’s more advice: “The Best Marriage Advice I Ever Got” in Redbook.

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Got a question? Email me at cat@nonstophonolulu.com.

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